Look out for the Kitchen Cynic!

You know... it has a relationship to a 'Stoic' - exept that the Stoic is what brings the babies, but the cynic is what you wash then in.

With me so far?

Good!

Well, the Kitchen Cynic is going to be an offensive little oik to some folk, or maybe not. I don't know. But keep your eyes open - I may address topical current affairs with the Kitchen Cynic's viewpoint.

For instance - why are TV producers so unintelligently unimaginative? "Hells Kitchen" For God's sake! (and everyone else's) Who the hell is this Gordon Ramsey fellow who can't even criticise a lousy apprentice cook's offerings without swearing most foully?

Just because it's "modern" to use foul language in public does not mean we need it on TV where we can force our next generation to learn that swearing is good.

Dear Gordon effing Ramsay, your effing language is so effing puerile that you deserve to be effing kicked in the effing jacksie you effing excuse for an effing third rate effing caterer! Effing swearing using effing eff words is NOT effing clever you stupid effing effnose!

It merely shows a lack of intelligence on behalf of the swearer. It shows that he paid more attention to the window in school (if he ever went there) than to the teachings of men and women still far wiser than he ever will be. Swearing is a sign - even today - that that person has lost the game.

Now being the Kitchen Cynic, I also know that if anybody reads this I am likely to get an "eff off" from about half the population. So let me just say that there are far more clever ways to run someone's performance down without resorting to such language. I for one would comment something like:

"Obviously you have a deep flaw in your character if you would refer to burnt as “slightly toasted,” you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert! Call yourself a cook? You couldn't even cook a pulp fiction comic book!"

...well, actually I wouldn't, but maybe Cleese, Chapman, Idle and co. would.

Oh, and if you're looking for a good curse that you can use in the presence of young children, then perhaps you could try:

Shitbumfiddlearsepiddlewiddlestinktit!

So anyway, "Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen now rates lower than the Kitchen Cynic cares to have imagination for. I'd sooner watch Baldy Man re-runs...